Donald Trump Joins Good Day Farm Board, Declares War on ‘Boof Prices,’ Unions, and Ugly Dispensary Owners
Filed from a bunker somewhere under Bentonville, Arkansas, where the kush is mid, the vibes are worse, and the C-suite just went full MAGA.
ARKANSAS — I’m standing in what used to be a Cracker Barrel, now retrofitted into a Good Day Farm “Innovation Hub” — a phrase that here means corporate weed storage with a Ring light and espresso machine. The scent? Equal parts rotting fruit terps and the sulfuric fart of late-stage capitalism.
At precisely 9:11 AM, a gold-plated golf cart screeches to a halt outside the building. Out steps a red-faced, bloated parody of a man, flanked by ex-security contractors turned "Cannabis Strategists." The crowd of suit-clad executives and poorly-paid budtenders gasps as Donald J. Trump waddles to the podium and yells, “Today is a GREAT day for weed. Maybe the best day. People are saying that.”
Yes. The 45th 47th President of the United States is now a board advisor to Good Day Farm.
And he’s already declared war on what he’s calling the “boof economy.”
“I see a LOT of bad weed. The worst. Boof weed. Terrible prices. Lazy names. You can’t just call it ‘Blueberry Monkey Nuts’ and expect me to smoke it. Disgusting.”
The room breaks into applause like a hostage video. One Good Day Farm exec screams, “Finally, someone brave enough to say what we’ve all been whispering since Cookies dropped another line of unsmokable NFTs!”
This is not a drill. This is the timeline we live in.
According to internal leaks (one guy in the bathroom who wouldn’t stop crying), Trump’s role is part branding, part chaos agent. He’s been promised a 10% stake in all "premium Patriot Pre-Rolls," a new SKU featuring vaguely fascist packaging, banana kush grown under fluorescent lighting, and a QR code linking to a truth.social post about Hunter Biden’s bong.
His first three executive actions as board member:
Ban all unions. “Nobody wants a union in their dispensary. I’ve seen unions. Very bad. Ask Jimmy Hoffa — if you can find him.”
Mandate all storefronts resemble Mar-a-Lago. “Classy. Not like those Portland shitholes. I want gold trim. I want statues. I want success.”
Price freeze on eighths — no higher than $27.77. “We’re going full Q-tier economics, baby. Seventh letter, seventh heaven.”
Someone asks about testing transparency. He replies, “We’re gonna test the product. It’s gonna be the most tested weed in history. But no women named Jennifer will run labs. They’ve done terrible things. Everybody knows that.”
I attempt an interview with a visibly trembling Good Day Farm trimmer named Cody, who lights a blunt with a trembling hand and whispers, “I just wanted health insurance. Now I’m packaging shake in a MAGA tin. Please tell my mom I’m alive.”
The Good Day Farm CEO tries to spin it all as brilliant vertical integration. “Look, Trump knows branding. He’s helped sell steaks, water, casinos, colleges. Now he’s selling terp sauce. We’re pivoting to the culture.”
What culture? Who’s the target demo here?
People who think Delta-8 is “too liberal”? Middle-aged vape dads? Boomers who microdose Fox News between 100mg edibles and rewatching The Apprentice?
Trump ends the event by tossing out branded pre-rolls labeled “MAKE AMERICA ZAZZY AGAIN” and announcing plans for a multi-state tour called “The Dank Awakening.” Someone asks what states are legal. He says, “They’re legal if I say they’re legal.”
Then he boards a helicopter that blasts Creed’s “Higher” and disappears into a cloud of moldy Orange Creamsicle smoke.
Final Thought: If you ever wondered what happens when unchecked greed, stale weed, and white nationalism combine in a vape cartridge — this is it. Good Day Farm just went from mid-market dispensary chain to full-blown circus of the absurd. God help us if they launch a “Donny's Doinks” brand.
Filed by Boof du Jour’s traumatized correspondent, currently hiding behind a cardboard cutout of Eric Trump and rethinking every edible ever consumed.
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