Vans Warped Tour Returns, Fully Funded by Delta-8 Brands Looking to Get Kids Absolutely Ripped
Filed from the frontlines of America’s loudest minor felony — where pop-punk met THC-O and nobody passed the drug test.
SAN BERNARDINO, CA — I’m standing in a sea of Vans, vape clouds, and teen angst that smells like cherry cough syrup and extreme parental negligence. The Warped Tour is back, but this time, it’s been hijacked by Delta-8 brands who clearly read one Reddit post about loopholes and said “fuck it, let’s sell gas station weed to children.”
The official name is now “Warped & Wavy Fest: Powered by Blazed Beez D8 Collective™”
— and if that doesn’t scream FDA subpoena, I don’t know what does.
There’s a 200-foot inflatable dab rig in the middle of the lot, sponsored by Loud N’ Legal Labs, a company whose CEO was definitely in crypto six months ago. Kids in checkered shorts and fake septum piercings line up for free samples of “Space Trash Gummies” while a DJ screams, “This one’s THCP, baby! More psychoactive than your mom’s second divorce!”
I try to ask a security guard how this is even legal.
He shrugs and says, “Farm Bill, bro.”
Cool. Nothing like the Agricultural Act of 2018 being used to launch 14-year-olds into the fucking sun.
I catch up with the owner of SlapZap™ Delta Dust, a man named Tanner with a full-sleeve of Powerpuff Girls and the energy of a defunct NFT. He tells me, “We’re just giving the youth what they want — and what their weed dealer would’ve sold ‘em anyway if he had Square.”
“We’re not here to get kids high,” he insists, while handing out sour watermelon ‘Wake & Wipe’ suppositories with cartoon tigers on them. “We’re here to build community.”
Someone passes me a vape shaped like a Gameboy. It tastes like gasoline and fruit roll-ups and immediately turns my vision into a Tool album cover. I forget who I am. I forget who anyone is. For five minutes, I’m convinced the year is 2005 and I’m about to watch My Chemical Romance headline a Hot Topic parking lot. Which, terrifyingly, isn’t far off.
Simple Plan is playing on the main stage, sponsored by “BuzzBuddyz Nano-Terp Sprays™.” The lead singer stops the set halfway through “Welcome to My Life” to announce, “This next one goes out to all the single moms out there microdosing Delta-10 in the Starbucks drive-thru!”
In the crowd:
A 17-year-old wearing a shirt that says “Legal in Idaho!”
A girl selling D9 bath bombs out of a Hello Kitty backpack
A man who may or may not be Machine Gun Kelly disguised as a brand ambassador for Drippy Drops 420™
Every vendor booth looks like it was designed by someone who peaked during Adderall-fueled Fortnite marathons.
Everything’s pink, glitchy, and illegally loud.
One stand sells snortable CBD. Another offers “spiritual consultations” from a guy named Prism who claims he invented HHC in a lucid dream.
I try to find some kind of medical presence. There isn’t one. The EMT tent was replaced with a “Hydration Station” sponsored by Cannabinoidz Energyz™, where you can get a shot of taurine-infused THCA with a side of “chill crystals.”
By 6 PM, half the crowd is lying in the grass, staring at the sky, convinced it’s "breathing." A 15-year-old pukes into a Monster can and then starts a mosh pit. Someone’s dog gets stoned on ambient vape clouds and starts barking at the merch table. A rogue influencer on mushrooms walks into traffic to film a TikTok with “emo-girl-in-pain-core” audio.
And through it all, the Delta-8 CEOs are just vibing, decked out in Balenciaga knockoffs and dripping with under-regulated profits. One tells me, “This is just the start. Next year we’re doing Coachella. We’re calling it ‘Cannachella.’ We’ve already signed Kid Rock and a strain named after his blood pressure meds.”
Final Thought:
The return of Warped Tour is less about music and more about getting the entire youth of America legally blitzed on alphabet cannabinoids that even the DEA hasn’t Googled yet. This is what happens when D.A.R.E. dies, the feds look away, and capitalism hits puberty.
Filed by Boof du Jour’s overwhelmed correspondent, currently hiding behind a merch tent sipping D8 Pedialyte and re-evaluating all federal oversight.
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