Dispensary Executive Works Full Shift at CBD Kratom Before Realizing He’s at the Wrong Business
Another proud moment in Missouri cannabis licensing oversight
ST. LOUIS, MO — In what’s being described as both “deeply inspiring” and “a catastrophic failure of self-awareness,” an executive from a Missouri cannabis company spent an entire shift working behind the counter at a CBD Kratom location in the Delmar Loop — blissfully unaware that he didn’t, in fact, own it.
The executive, identified in DHSS filings as Brentley T. Donahue IV, is the Chief Operating Officer of Greenfield Therapies, a license-holding LLC technically registered in Missouri but entirely staffed by a WeWork in Austin, Texas. Donahue, whose cannabis experience includes microdosing adaptogens during a Joshua Tree retreat and investing in a friend’s hemp water startup, had reportedly never stepped foot in one of his own dispensaries.
Until last week.
“I just wanted to feel the culture, you know?” Donahue said, wearing Allbirds and a Patagonia vest while restocking kratom capsules he did not have the legal right to touch. “I figured I'd go where the real plant medicine lives. Plus, our lobby doesn’t smell dank enough for me to hang out in it.”
“I thought it was our flagship store. The vibes were immaculate,” he added, referring to the faint smell of incense and impending labor violations.
Greenfield Therapies, awarded their Missouri license in the infamous “consultant-fueled Hunger Games” of 2020, has long drawn criticism for its absentee ownership and barely-there community engagement. Its “local partner,” a 76-year-old notary from Sedalia, was last seen at the groundbreaking ceremony in 2021, then promptly ghosted like a Tinder date who mentioned essential oils too early.
Sources say Donahue spent seven hours at CBD Kratom answering customer questions with phrases like “Uhhh,” “We’ll circle back,” and “I think this one makes your chakras pop.”
“He kept trying to upsell me a delta-8 tincture by comparing it to ‘boardroom confidence,’” said one visibly uncomfortable customer. “I just wanted some gummies to sleep. This guy had a pitch deck.”
Donahue only realized his error after requesting to use the office to “run some Boof Index forecasts” and being asked to leave immediately by the real manager, who stated, “We don’t allow cosplay capitalism in here.”
When reached for comment, Greenfield Therapies issued the following statement:
“We support all of our executives in pursuing deep, immersive, experiential learning — even if it results in felony-adjacent confusion. We remain committed to cannabis, kratom, and all alphabet-adjacent consumer trends.”
DHSS declined to comment, citing “ongoing internal embarrassment.”
Final Puff
If you’re wondering why your local dispensary doesn’t carry anything that’s actually fresh, affordable, or relevant — it might be because your owner is too busy hallucinating behind the wrong register in the wrong store.
And somehow, he’ll still get invited to speak at MJBizCon.
Boof du Jour will continue monitoring this developing identity crisis as more executives accidentally do labor.
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