Cookies Releases New $200 Hoodie That Comes With Free Eighth of Mids
Boofonomics Market Brief: Brand Hype, Retail Theft, and Berner’s Middle Finger
By Boof du Jour’s Financial Desk | Compiled while staring at a Cookies receipt and questioning everything
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a bold strategic move no one asked for, Cookies has unveiled its latest vertical integration milestone: a $200 cotton-polyester blend hoodie that comes pre-stuffed with a complimentary eighth of unsmokable mids and a handwritten note from Berner reading, “Fuck you, we already got your money.”
The hoodie, marketed as “LIMITED DROP: CULTURE X LEGACY”, dropped on the Cookies site at 9:00 AM PST and was sold out by 9:03 — though early buyers report the site never loaded, their carts were emptied, and one customer was somehow charged for four hoodies, two grams of hash rosin, and a Juice WRLD NFT.
Still, Berner took to Instagram Live to declare it “the biggest drop in streetwear weed culture history,” adding,
“It’s not just a hoodie. It’s a lifestyle. And if you complain about the price, you’re not part of the movement.”
Investors immediately misinterpreted this as a growth signal. The Boof Index (BoF) surged 3.7%, mostly powered by boof-brained retail speculation and Berner’s 15-second video of him opening a duffel bag full of hundred-dollar bills and rolling a joint using a page from a BlackRock annual report.
Boof Index Metrics – Cookies, Q2 Outlook
Brand Inflation Rate: Up 38%
Actual Weed Quality: Down 64%
Average Consumer Regret Time: 14 minutes post-purchase
THC-to-Hype Ratio: 0.17:1
Customer Retention: “If there’s a new colorway next week, they’ll be back”
Breakdown of the Value Prop:
Retail Price: $200
Actual Cost of Hoodie: $8.17 (sourced from a warehouse that used to sell bootleg Anime merch)
“Free” Eighth: Value = $0.97 (lab-tested at 14.3% THC and described as “tastes like drywall” by one beta tester)
Handwritten Note from Berner: Value = Priceless™ (also possibly photocopied)
According to internal decks leaked from the Cookies brand marketing Slack, the campaign was built around the concept of “Hostile Authenticity” — a brand model where insulting the customer is considered premium UX.
“We’re beyond hype,” the deck reads. “We are delusion.”
Analyst Commentary:
A hedge fund analyst we reached out to for comment replied:
“We stopped covering cannabis retail in Q4 after realizing it’s less ‘consumer discretionary’ and more ‘cult economics.’ But yes, the hoodie is clearly a buy signal.”
Another market observer noted,
“It’s 2025 and we’re selling $200 sweaters with trap house weed in them. I hope the aliens come soon.”
Still, the Cookies model continues to thrive. Their brick-and-mortar stores function less like dispensaries and more like pilgrimage sites — where teenagers in chrome puffer jackets spend rent money for the chance to be ignored by a budtender in Balenciaga slides.
Street Sentiment: Delusional but Up
Consumer feedback has been mixed:
“The weed is trash, but the hoodie got me laid,” one buyer posted on Threads.
“My landlord saw me wearing it and raised my rent,” said another.
Yet resale prices for the hoodie have already surged to $650 on StockX, despite multiple listings being flagged for “residual terpene stench” and “questionable stitching.” One listing simply read: “Comes with shame.”
Final Puff
Cookies has fully committed to monetizing the collapse of taste, trust, and THC content — and it’s working. By blending limited drops, celebrity worship, and piss-poor weed into a singular lifestyle product, they’ve invented a new business category: Streetwear Grift with Bonus Trim.
If you’re wondering why your eighth costs $70 and still tastes like a leaf blower, just know you’re paying for the illusion of premium.
And in today’s cannabis economy?
Illusion is the product.
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