Weedmaps Goes Private Again to “Reconnect With Its Roots” – AKA, Helping Illegal Dispensaries Thrive
Analysts call it “a bold return to the cash-and-crumbs model that built the empire.”
IRVINE, CA — In a deeply spiritual move that industry insiders are calling “an exit strategy disguised as a nostalgia trip,” Weedmaps has officially announced plans to go private again—just two years after its disastrous SPAC merger turned public cannabis investing into a fucking punchline.
According to Weedmaps’ board, the company is “returning to its roots,” which in this case means funneling traffic back to trap shops, ghost operators, and dispensaries with names like ‘Dr. Green Rips 420 Express.’
CEO Statement (Delivered from the Back of a Lambo on Lease)
“We’ve always been a community-driven tech platform focused on transparency and access,” said Weedmaps CEO Chris Beals, moments before he resigned and cashed out his equity faster than a budtender quitting on 4/20.
“The return to a private model allows us to scale meaningful impact. Also, quarterly earnings reports are for broke people.”
Translation: They’re tanking quietly, and they miss charging illegal dispensaries $10K a month to list 35 fake strains and a stolen logo.
Boof Index Metrics – Weedmaps, Pre-Privatization
Fake Menu Density: 87.2%
Compliance-to-Cash Ratio: Nonexistent
Boof Velocity™: Up 112% in ZIP codes without licensed operators
Investor Confidence: Somewhere between “Jeez, fuck” and “How is this still legal?”
Cash Burn Rate: One private jet per quarter
Financial Timeline (aka: A Masterclass in Grift)
2021: Weedmaps goes public via SPAC with zero operational profitability and a PowerPoint titled “Data is Weed.”
2022: Revenue tanks after regulators finally realize half the listings are technically evidence.
2023: Fires 25% of staff, blames “market contraction.” Leaks show they just wanted to pivot into NFTs.
2024: Goes private again, citing “freedom,” “vision,” and “the fact that nobody reads SEC filings anyway.”
Analyst Rating: SEVERE WITHDRAWAL
“Weedmaps going private is like a cartel deleting their Instagram to ‘focus on community.’”
Despite desperate attempts to sanitize their image post-SPAC, Weedmaps never actually cleaned up its act — it just got better at lying. While legal operators begged for better verification tools, the platform continued selling SEO boosts to plug-and-play trap brands and ghost shops run by dudes with five burner phones and no insurance.
Behind the Spin: Why This Really Happened
According to a leaked internal memo titled “Back to the Boof: A Strategic Reboot”, going private allows Weedmaps to:
Avoid investor scrutiny
Resurrect pay-to-play listings for unlicensed shops
“Explore partnerships” with crypto weed delivery apps run from U-Hauls
Reopen communication channels with “legacy market partners” (read: Plug Carlos)
The final bullet point simply read:
“Fuck Leafly. Forever.”
Final Puff
Weedmaps going private again isn’t a pivot.
It’s a retreat into the shadows they never really left.
They didn’t evolve. They just rebranded their grift as legacy loyalty and downsized their legal team.
For consumers, it means more trap menus.
For licensed operators, it means more rage strokes.
And for investors, it’s yet another case study in “Maybe don’t invest in companies that built their empire helping illegal shops sell boof to teenagers.”
Boof du Jour will continue monitoring Weedmaps’ slow descent into glorified Craigslist for weed until their next quarterly update is just a SoundCloud link and a burner phone number.
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