Cannabis Companies Raise Prices Citing Tariffs, Musk Tweets, and Mercury in Gatorade
Anything to sell you last year’s weed for next year’s price
By Boof du Jour Staff
Inflation-choked, terp-deprived, and financially abused
In an industry where a stale eighth already costs more than a steak dinner, cannabis companies have now discovered a bold new way to fleece their customers: preemptive price hikes based on absolutely fucking nothing.
Across dispensary chains from Missouri to Maine, brands are quietly jacking up prices on aging flower, sludgy carts, and chalky-ass gummies—blaming everything from Trump’s tariff threats to Elon Musk’s neurological misfires to the planetary alignment of Mercury in Gatorade.
They’re calling it “strategic forecasting.” You might call it what it is: a tax on your gullibility.
Internal Memo: “Add $6, call it a tariff.”
Boof du Jour obtained a leaked Slack thread from a mid-tier multi-state operator (MSO) that’s recently raised prices across 87 SKUs. The pricing team, which apparently consists of two interns and the CFO’s nephew, had this to say:
“With all the instability around tariffs and political disruption, we should definitely build in a protective cushion. $6 per eighth minimum. Frame it like we’re preparing for supply chain volatility.”
“Also: let’s repackage that backstocked Gelato from October. Throw a ‘Limited Compliance Reserve’ sticker on it.”
One senior brand manager added:
“Weed is recession-proof, but our investors aren’t. Squeeze now, apologize never.”
Premium Prices, Discount Experience
Customers are already feeling the burn—and not the good kind.
In Phoenix, a customer named Ashley M. said her dispensary blamed “upstream tariff exposure” for a 27% price jump on a pre-roll that she swears smelled like dryer lint and bad decisions.
“It literally made me cough before I lit it,” she told BDJ.
“The budtender said it was a ‘pre-regulation batch.’ I think that means pre-flushed.”
Meanwhile, in Illinois, one dispensary rolled out a “Freedom Pricing Tier”—with signage suggesting that buying weed at inflated prices was a form of patriotic resistance.
“The economy is unstable,” said one regional manager while vaping in the stockroom.
“But our margin targets aren’t. That’s what makes America great.”
The Blame Rotation
When asked for comment, several companies issued boilerplate statements citing:
“Tariff forecasting”
“Post-pandemic inflation elasticity”
“Potential disruptions from global instability”
“Musky market uncertainty” (a direct quote)
And one brand, LunarLeaf, simply said:
“The moon’s in Pisces. Prices will reflect that.”
Sources confirmed that some execs are using Musk tweets as literal pricing triggers.
“Elon tweets ‘legalize it’—we raise tinctures $4.”
“He tweets something racist? Vape carts up $2.50.”
“He farts in a Tesla? Gummies get a 10% premium.”
Selling Bunk Under Cover of Crisis
The true scam, however, isn’t the pricing — it’s what you’re getting for it.
Operators are using the “tariff panic” to move bunk inventory under the guise of “supply chain sensitivity.”
Dry, old flower gets rebranded as “Heritage Reserve.”
Rancid carts now feature a sticker that says “Batch Secured Prior to Disruption.”
And in Missouri, one company is pushing melted edibles as “Deconstructed Format.”
Boof Index Analysis
According to Boof du Jour’s proprietary Boof Index™, here’s how these operators scored:
Bullshit Adjustment Rate (BAR): 38%
Cart Crystallization Index: 92%
Likelihood Your Eighth Was Stored Next to a Furnace: “Certain”
Markup Justification Complexity: 8 buzzwords deep
Anonymous Source Watch:
“We were told to start using words like macro-volatility and proactive inflation resilience in our pricing deck,” said a disgruntled analyst from a Colorado brand that just raised all SKUs by 14%.
“It’s literally the same weed. In some cases, worse.”
Final Hit: You’re Not Buying Better Weed—You’re Buying Better Excuses
As industry execs prep for another round of layoffs and capital raises, they’re padding their losses by monetizing panic, blaming anyone with a headline, and selling you old mids in shiny jars.
You’re not smoking premium.
You’re smoking “economic trauma camouflage.”
Boof du Jour will continue to monitor the situation, especially once Mercury exits Gatorade. Until then, check the harvest date, and maybe don’t pay $65 for a gram of depression.
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