From Toddlers to Terpenes: Michael Halow and the Missouri Microbusiness Meat Wagon
By Boof du Jour Investigations Desk
“Empowering communities, one back-alley handshake at a time.”
ST. LOUIS, MO — In the twisted, THC-laced soap opera that is Missouri’s cannabis licensing program, a new anti-hero has emerged — part predator, part policy parasite, and full-time LinkedIn motivational speaker. Enter Michael Halow, a man whose business model appears to be equal parts “Shark Tank” and “To Catch a Predator.”
Touting himself as a 15-year cannabis industry veteran (we couldn’t find a single person who remembers him from before 2022, but maybe he was just that underground), Halow is the founder of Cannabis Business Advisors, a firm best known for monetizing fake hope and real desperation in Missouri’s so-called “social equity” licensing program.
The Hustle: Now Boarding, The Microbus to Nowhere
Internal memos obtained by Boof du Jour (okay, one was scribbled on a napkin we found behind a vape battery display at a dispensary, but still) show Halow’s playbook in action: locate disadvantaged individuals, dangle a cannabis license in front of them like it’s a golden ticket, then lock them into exploitative consulting contracts tighter than the seal on a jar of RSO.
But this wasn’t just shady business. It was performance art.
According to multiple anonymous sources — including one who spoke to us through the slit of a grow room door while trimming mids — Halow allegedly cruised around inner-city neighborhoods in a rusted-out Dodge Ram, rounding up elderly Black residents like he was assembling a Home Depot landscaping crew.
“He had a cooler of Sunny D and a clipboard,” one witness said. “He said, ‘Hop in, we’re going to go change your life.’ Next thing they knew, they were signing NDAs and giving up 80% of a cannabis license they didn’t even want.”
The Licensing Pyramid Scheme Disguised as Justice
In theory, Missouri’s microbusiness program was meant to elevate those most harmed by the War on Drugs. In practice, it became a shady gold rush for out-of-state “advisors” with teeth-whitened headshots and no discernible soul.
Cannabis Business Advisors wasn’t alone in this hustle, but Halow’s operation stood out for its sheer audacity. While most predators finesse their marks, Halow reportedly handed out pre-signed contracts to applicants like he was giving out free samples at Costco.
According to one former employee (who quit after being asked to dress up as a “Terpene Fairy” for investor presentations), the internal motto of the firm was, “Fuck the regs, find the marks.”
An early draft of the company’s now-scrubbed FAQ page answered the question “What is social equity?” with:
“A branding opportunity with government-backed upside. Don’t worry, we have lawyers.”
Where’s the Experience, Mike?
Despite claiming “15 years in cannabis,” our team could not locate a single dispensary, cultivation site, vape cart scam, or weed-adjacent hustle where Halow’s name shows up prior to 2022. We reached out to nearly two dozen industry vets. Reactions ranged from confused silence to outright laughter.
“No clue who the fuck that is,” said one longtime dispensary owner.
“Wait — that guy? I thought he was in multi-level marketing or some shit,” another added.
A deeper dive into his LinkedIn revealed a history of vague “executive” roles, one of which was listed simply as “Visionary – Self” with responsibilities including “strategy development,” “cultural alignment,” and apparently, child endangerment.
Let’s Talk About That
In case anyone forgot (because Missouri regulators apparently did), in 2003 Michael Halow was indicted in El Paso, Texas, on multiple counts of sexual assault of a child and producing child pornography. However, as part of a plea agreement, he pleaded guilty to a second-degree felony offense of aggravated assault. He received three years of community supervision (probation), and upon completion, all charges were dismissed. When asked by reporters during a rare appearance at a community “listening session” (read: PR stunt at a Chili’s parking lot), Halow responded:
“That was a long time ago. I’ve healed. Missouri has healed. Let’s focus on the cannabis revolution.”
When pressed on whether someone with that background should be profiting off licenses earmarked for vulnerable communities, he reportedly stormed out — but not before handing out branded rolling trays with the tagline:
“From Victim to Victory – Let Me License You”
The Products No One Asked For
Halow isn’t just a grifter — he’s a visionary grifter. Recent Boof du Jour field testers obtained samples from an unnamed microbusiness “partner” connected to his consulting firm. What they uncovered was a triumph of modern capitalism:
“Equity OG”: A strain so dry, it sparked three accidental fires during testing.
“Consultant's Cut” Prerolls: Contained less cannabis than the packaging’s QR code.
“Legacy Gummies”: Claimed 100mg THC. Actually tested at 0.5mg and 12mg of mystery.
We reached out for comment. Halow responded with a JPEG of a meme that read:
“Let the haters hate while you elevate.”
Regulators Doing... Something?
After months of public outcry, a handful of Missouri’s microbusiness licenses tied to predatory contracts were finally revoked — some connected to Halow’s “advisory” network. But insiders say it’s too little, too late.
“There’s still a dozen zombie licenses out there with his name in the fine print,” one whistleblower from the Department of Health and Senior Services told Boof du Jour. “He’s like herpes — you don’t know you got screwed until it flares up again.”
When asked what’s being done about these exploitative arrangements, the department issued a statement that read:
“We take allegations seriously and are reviewing processes to ensure fairness.”
Which, translated from bureaucratic to English, means:
“We’ll wait until it’s a headline again.”
Final Puff
Michael Halow isn’t the first con man to sniff out opportunity in cannabis policy, and he sure as hell won’t be the last. But few have managed to wrap themselves in the flag of social justice while simultaneously grabbing vulnerable people by the ankles and shaking out their pockets like a narc at a college party.
At Boof du Jour, we believe in second chances. But not third dispensaries, fourth LLCs, and a fifth fucking LinkedIn post claiming you're a thought leader while dragging grandma into a licensing scam in the bed of a pickup truck.
Get out of the industry, Mike. And take your rolling trays with you.
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