MJBizCon Announces Complete Rebrand to CocaineBizCon After Finally Accepting Who Their Audience Is
By Boof du Jour Investigative Team
LAS VEGAS — After years of pretending to care about cannabis, MJBizCon finally did what everyone in the industry has known was inevitable: they’re rebranding as CocaineBizCon™, a bold pivot from “green rush” to “white lines,” effective immediately.
The announcement came via an internal memo accidentally published as a press release, titled simply: “Fuck It, Let’s Just Lean In.”
According to multiple anonymous sources — all of whom requested anonymity due to ongoing NDAs, cocaine binges, or both — the decision was finalized during a 3 a.m. strategy session in a Bellagio penthouse after someone confused a tray of THC powder for the other powder. “It was kind of poetic,” said one exec. “That was the first time any of us actually felt something at this fucking conference.”
From Bud to Blow: The Evolution of a Scandal
Once hailed as the premier B2B cannabis event in North America, MJBizCon spent the last five years devolving into a gold rush carnival of washed-up crypto bros, guys who say “I’m an investor” without irony, and women with LinkedIn titles like Cannabis Goddess™. Somewhere in the haze of SEO panel discussions and “future of weed” keynotes sponsored by PepsiCo, the soul of the plant was lost — allegedly in an Uber en route to Tao.
A whistleblower from within MJBiz’s executive team, identified only as “Chaz,” confirmed what many had already suspected. “We haven’t given a shit about weed since 2019,” Chaz wrote in a leaked Slack message. “It’s all hedge funds, vendor pyramids, and people trying to trademark the word ‘kush.’ Honestly, coke was the natural progression.”
New Branding, Same Grift
The new CocaineBizCon will feature revamped activations, including:
Booth Babes & Bail Bonds: Sponsored by an LA-based law firm and a mysterious crypto wallet with no public address.
Microdose, Megalose: A TED-style speaker series featuring white dudes explaining why microdosing psilocybin gives them better boners.
The Colombian Pavilion™: A completely unironical “cultural exchange” exhibit funded by ex-cartel capital that somehow received a social equity grant.
Gone are the days of hempcrete demos and painfully forced DEI panels. “We just couldn’t keep pretending,” said MJBizCon CMO Jenna DeNile. “The only people left attending were VC dudes looking to launder money through vape hardware startups and washed-up rappers trying to sell ‘legacy’ gummies made in someone’s garage.”
Jenna was later escorted out of Resorts World for drunkenly live-streaming a panel on LinkedIn, screaming “THIS IS ALL A FUCKING SCAM!” before throwing a branded MJBiz stress ball at a guy dressed like a human QR code.
A Cultural Shift, or a Bender with a Sponsorship Deck?
While traditionalists in the cannabis space expressed outrage, most of them were too broke to attend the conference anyway.
“Look, I sold my cultivation license for $6,000 and an ounce of ‘Purple Debt’ just to afford a flight,” said legacy cultivator Eric “Sticky E” Morales. “Then I got to the floor and realized every booth was just the same gummy company with a different name and worse font.”
Some industry veterans are trying to find silver linings. A rep from NORML, clearly exhausted and on her fourth Red Bull, muttered: “At least now it’s honest. No more pretending the industry gives a shit about patients or plant medicine. Now it’s just a bunch of coked-out founders doing key bumps in the metaverse.”
When reached for comment, a representative from Cookies, appearing visibly confused and sweating profusely, said, “Wait, we’re not at ComplexCon?”
What Comes Next?
CocaineBizCon will officially launch next quarter, with a soft opening in Miami and a new tagline: “Elevate Your Hustle™.”
The conference expects to triple attendance by cross-promoting with bottle service clubs, ghost kitchen investment firms, and the new Netflix docuseries How I Ruined Weed and Got Rich Anyway.
Boof du Jour obtained an early version of the 2025 floor map, which includes:
The “Lines of Innovation” Stage
The Paxil & Psilocybin Wellness Lounge
The Fuck Your Employees Pavilion sponsored by Trulieve
An NFT-themed escape room hosted by a former MedMen exec
Perhaps most fitting, MJBiz’s own founder was spotted wandering the convention floor in a daze, muttering, “I just wanted to help people grow weed…” before being swallowed by a crowd of brand managers arguing over the best font for their Delta-8 seltzer.
Conclusion: The Nose Knows
In a way, CocaineBizCon is the most honest thing to happen to the cannabis industry in years. It’s a mirror held up to the soul-sucked corporate husk that once claimed to be about healing and community. And now? It’s about closing a Series C round while doing rails off your investor’s NDA.
As the rebrand goes live, one thing is clear: MJBizCon is dead. Long live CocaineBizCon. And if you’re reading this, they’ve probably already emailed you about the early bird discount.
Fuck your brand. See you at the afterparty.
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