Vladimir Putin Named Chairman of the Board at Curaleaf in Shock Industry Takeover
By the Boof du Jour Investigative Team
WAKEFIELD, MA — In a move so batshit insane it somehow still makes more sense than Curaleaf’s actual business strategy, Vladimir Putin has been named Chairman of the Board at the multi-state operator as part of what sources are calling a “strategic alignment of global influence and weed bros too stupid to read sanctions lists.”
The announcement was made Tuesday via a press release posted at 2:45 a.m. Moscow time, written in both English and ominous Cyrillic, and accompanied by a photo of Putin in a windbreaker holding a branded Curaleaf pre-roll while riding a bear shirtless through a field of hemp.
Curaleaf executives claim the move will “solidify our position as a global cannabis powerhouse and streamline our vision for vertically integrated world domination.” Translated: They ran out of excuses, stopped pretending, and just went full Bond villain.
“We’ve Always Been Russia-Friendly”
While the American cannabis industry reeled from the news, absolutely no one inside Curaleaf seemed surprised. In fact, internal documents obtained by Boof du Jour suggest this was always the plan.
A 2023 deck titled “Eastern Promises: Diversification Through Geopolitical Flexibility” outlined a five-phase expansion strategy:
Bleed Massachusetts dry
Acquire licenses via shell corps in every state dumb enough to allow it
Fire everyone except compliance and branding
Rebrand medical weed as “bio-wellness pharmacological solutions”
Install Putin as Chairman
One slide reads:
“While other MSOs chase ESG optics, we’ll lean into oligarch energy. Weed is war. And we’ve got gas.”
And they’re not kidding. Curaleaf, which has long denied rumors of Russian influence despite a tangled nest of financial ties to sanctioned Russian billionaire Roman Abramovich, has now just decided to stop giving a shit and let the Kremlin run the joint — literally.
Employees Report “KGB Vibes” at All-Hands Meeting
Sources inside Curaleaf report an immediate change in workplace culture. One employee, who asked to remain anonymous out of fear of disappearing “into the HR gulag,” described the first post-Putin company-wide Zoom as “less Town Hall, more hostage video.”
“All questions were submitted anonymously, then deleted in real time by a guy with an FSB tattoo,” the employee said. “And instead of the usual equity platitudes, we just got a slideshow of military tanks photoshopped with terpene profiles.”
Corporate leadership then unveiled the new company motto:
“Compliance is Loyalty. Loyalty is Wellness.”
At the end of the meeting, the VP of Retail saluted and handed out commemorative Curaleaf-branded track suits.
Retail Locations to Include Loyalty Surveillance Program
Retail changes are already in effect. Curaleaf's new LoyalLeaf Rewards Program will now integrate facial recognition software and mandatory mood-tracking surveys. Customers who rate their experience anything less than “glorious” may be flagged for “re-education discounts,” which sources say includes being forced to attend a two-hour seminar on “Curaleaf’s Vision for Eurasian Cannabinoid Supremacy.”
Meanwhile, dispensary managers have been instructed to replace all background music with hardbass remixes of Putin speeches, and product names are being updated to reflect the new direction:
“Purple Punch” is now “Siberian Resolve”
“Lemon OG” is now “Operation Citrus Dawn”
“Daily Gummies” are now labeled “Comrade Chews”
Investors Briefly Panic, Then Remember They’re All Complicit
Following the announcement, Curaleaf’s stock dipped for roughly 20 minutes before rallying once investors realized this probably just means more aggressive cost-cutting and foreign market access.
“Look, as long as my money doubles, I don’t care if they’re selling weed to warlords,” said one investor on a message board. “I’m just here for EBITDA.”
And that’s the game. The same people who once tweeted “Free Brittney Griner” are now funneling capital into a company run by the guy who locked her up.
When reached for comment, Curaleaf CEO Matt Darin responded via encrypted message:
“Leadership is about making bold decisions. Putin brings experience, strength, and the kind of discipline our product portfolio has been lacking.”
The message ended with a link to the company’s new promotional campaign:
“Curaleaf: From the Cold War to Cold Cures™.”
The Industry Reacts
Reaction from the rest of the cannabis sector has ranged from stunned silence to performative outrage, with one rival MSO executive anonymously telling Boof du Jour:
“We’re not mad they brought Putin in. We’re mad we didn’t think of it first.”
In response, Trulieve reportedly hired a former Mossad officer as their Chief Operating Officer, while Verano teased an upcoming rebrand as “State Security Wellness, LLC.”
Meanwhile, legacy operators across the country shrugged and continued doing what they’ve always done: selling better weed for less money and staying the fuck out of boardrooms run by war criminals and branding consultants.
Final Puff
Let’s be real: this was inevitable.
A brand with a Russian oligarch sugar daddy, no soul, and a weed menu that reads like a Cold War intelligence dossier was always going to cross the Rubicon eventually.
And now that they have, the message is clear:
Legal weed isn’t just corporate — it’s authoritarian.
So next time you're at Curaleaf, grab an eighth of “Putin’s Kush Reserve” and a canned apology for participating in the dumbest, most morally bankrupt industry in modern capitalism.
Boof du Jour will continue monitoring Curaleaf’s inevitable rebrand as “State Cannabis Bureau #4” and the rollout of their new flagship store inside a decommissioned missile silo. Stay high, stay woke, and don’t scan that QR code.
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