600 Pounds of Evidence ‘Missing’ from Police Lockup - Colorado High Again
By Boof du Jour Staff
Reporting live from the epicenter of a Cheech & Chong-level coverup
I’m standing in a Denver alley behind what used to be a police evidence facility — or maybe it still is, it’s hard to tell with all the yellow tape, broken padlocks, and a guy in a Thrasher hoodie selling “souvenir” nugs out of a Ziploc labeled “EXHIBIT C.”
Roughly 600 pounds of weed were stolen from this fine establishment. Six. Hundred. Pounds. That’s enough to fill a U-Haul, kill a horse, or fund three more years of legislative gridlock about whether cannabis is a plant or a plague.
Authorities have reportedly recovered “some of it,” but no one’s really saying how much, or how. Rumors are swirling that the city only realized it was missing when someone found a blunt the size of a toddler’s shinbone floating in the Cherry Creek reservoir.
THE SCENE SMELLS LIKE A BAD DECISION
As I approach the still-active crime scene (read: a chain link fence and a single folding chair), I’m met with the scent of Pineapple Express, plastic evidence bags, and what I assume is cop-grade Axe body spray.
Officers on-site declined to comment, though one was overheard saying:
“The suspect might’ve used a badge. Or a ladder. Or an inside connection. Or, y’know, just walked in.”
Another source claimed the thieves used a decoy delivery van labeled “OATHKEEPERS SECURITY” to bluff their way into the secure lot. When asked why no one questioned it, a junior officer allegedly said,
“I thought it was a brand.”
I SPOKE TO A LOCAL
His name was Brandon, probably. He had on three different strain-specific lanyards and was holding what looked like a civilian version of a police scanner, tuned to the phrase “yo, I got that heat.”
“Bro, you think they only took 600? I was that 600. It’s all gone, man. They moved that shit before the cops even found the broken door.”
I ask him if he knows where the weed went.
“You ever heard of Delta 9 Logistics?”
(He winks.)
“Yeah, neither have they.”
THEORIES, CONSPIRACIES, AND OTHER STUPID SHIT
Some locals believe this was an inside job. Others think it was a false flag to justify new cannabis taxes. One guy in a Cookies hoodie screamed,
“It’s the feds! They’re repackaging it as legacy flower!”
Meanwhile, the city's PR team is spinning the incident harder than a Twax joint on a pottery wheel. Their official statement included phrases like “unexpected inventory fluctuation” and “unsanctioned redistribution.” Incredible.
BOOF DU JOUR OBTAINED A COPY OF THE “RECOVERY LIST”
It was mostly blank. One item was labeled:
“Unknown, brownish-green substance, partial joint, 2.4g, possibly reggie.”
Another line simply read:
“Smells like disappointment.”
FINAL THOUGHTS
This wasn’t a heist. It was a transfer of power. From cold steel evidence shelves to the warm, resin-coated palms of your neighborhood entrepreneur.
Some call it theft. Others call it Colorado’s most successful grassroots redistribution initiative since Amendment 64.
No suspects. No arrests. And most importantly?
No discounts.
Stay tuned. We’ll update you if any weed actually makes it back to evidence — or if it all gets rebranded as “Recovered Reserve” by Aurora-based MSOs next week.
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