Proper Cannabis Launches Valentine’s Delivery Service to Ensure Everyone Inserts Their Suppository the ‘Proper’ Way
Filed From the Frontlines of Rectal Wellness
By Boof du Jour’s Field Correspondent, Currently in the Fetal Position Behind a Himalayan Salt Lamp
I don’t know how the fuck I got here, but I’m kneeling on a velvet cushion in the middle of a candlelit living room while a budtender named Trevor tells me to “relax my pelvic floor” and “welcome the plant medicine inward.”
This isn’t Burning Man.
This is Proper Placement™ — the Valentine’s Day campaign from cannabis brand Proper, where any customer who spends over $100 gets a house call from a barely-paid budtender who will personally insert your cannabis suppository with the precision of a Beverly Hills colonic technician and the emotional availability of a man who cries during fragrance ads.
According to Proper’s official press release (hand-delivered in a rose-scented envelope), this is about “restoring intimacy to the cannabis experience.” According to my body? This is about to be a one-star Yelp review and a very expensive therapy session.
Scene Report: Welcome to the Backdoor Revolution
The knock came at 6:42pm. I opened the door to a man in fingerless gloves and branded linen pants.
“Hi, I’m Trevor. I’ll be handling your insertion tonight,” he said, as if that sentence didn’t just permanently alter my sense of self.
Behind him was a duffel bag full of latex gloves, sage bundles, lube packets, and a laminated checklist titled “The Five R’s of Rear-Based Relaxation.”
Before I could ask a single fucking question, Trevor lit a candle and told me to “set an intention.” I said, “to survive.” He nodded like that was spiritually valid.
The Procedure: A Vibe Crime in Four Acts
Here’s what you get with the Proper Placement™ Valentine’s package:
A guided, step-by-step insertion ritual
Lo-fi beats and dim lighting
A brief back massage from someone who looks like they microdose for fun
Whispered affirmations like “you are not alone in this journey inward”
Trevor applied a warming balm to my lower back and whispered, “Trust is lubrication.” At this point I disassociated so hard I briefly remembered my first birthday party.
Before the insertion, I was asked to choose between “delicate glide,” “assertive ease,” or “Pisces Rising.” I panicked and said “dealer’s choice.”
Customer Feedback: Raw, Unfiltered, Slightly Moist
I wasn’t the only one caught in this… vortex.
Dan from St. Louis said he ordered an eighth and wound up getting “emotionally raw-dogged by a guy in a kimono named Skyler.”
“He asked if I wanted to ‘start slow or just get it over with.’ I said slow. He nodded and cued up Sade.”
Ashley from Temecula said her boyfriend surprised her with Proper Placement as a romantic gesture.
“At first I was like, ew. But then the budtender told me I was brave and called my butthole ‘sacred terrain.’ I cried. I’m still crying.”
Jordan from Denver said the waiver form was three pages long and started with the phrase “A journey of one thousand miles begins with a single clench.”
“He brought his own clipboard. Like a nurse. I mean, five stars, but also…I’m never the same again.”
The Company Line: Love Is a Lube-Tinged Journey
I reached out to Proper CEO Chadwick Kensington III, who delivered this actual quote through a rose quartz conference call:
“Cannabis is about wellness. And what’s more well than knowing it’s been placed with confident, caring pressure?”
When asked about the legal implications, Kensington said,
“We don’t see this as medical. We see it as metaphysical. Also, they technically sign a consent scroll, so we’re fine.”
Proper is now beta testing an “Intimate Consultation Upgrade” — for an extra $50, the budtender will maintain intense eye contact and hum while administering pressure. Kensington called it “human connection meets herbal rectitude.”
Final Puff
This isn’t customer service. This is a tantric hostage situation wearing a branded apron.
Proper’s Valentine’s campaign is part ritual, part lawsuit, and all fucking unhinged. In a world where weed is shoved in every orifice but taxed like it’s made of gold, this might be the first brand brave enough to say:
“We care. Now bend over.”
Boof du Jour will remain on-site until someone hands me a safe word and a joint.
God help us all.
Boof du Jour is a satire website. All content, including articles, images, and social media posts, is intended for entertainment and comedic purposes only. Any resemblance to real people, events, or situations is purely coincidental.
No Legal or Factual Claims
The content on Boof du Jour is fictional and should not be interpreted as factual reporting, news, or legitimate advice. We are not responsible for any misinterpretation or misuse of our content.
Viewer Discretion Advised
Some material may include humor, parody, or satire that is not suitable for all audiences. If you find satire offensive, we kindly suggest navigating elsewhere.
Intellectual Property & Fair Use
All content on this site is protected under copyright law and may not be reproduced without permission. Any third-party names, trademarks, or references are used under fair use for satirical purposes and do not imply endorsement or affiliation.
Limitation of Liability
Boof du Jour, its owners, contributors, and affiliates assume no liability for any actions taken in response to our content. This site is strictly for entertainment, and no statements should be considered as professional, legal, or factual advice.
By using this website, you acknowledge and agree to this disclaimer. If you do not agree, please discontinue use of the site.
📩 For inquiries or complaints, contact: boofdujour@wedontgiveafuck.com