Struggling Dispensaries Now Using OnlyFans to Boost Customer Loyalty Signups
By Boof du Jour's Chief Field Correspondent, High, Horny & Horrified in Hemet
HEMET, CALIFORNIA — I’m writing this from the parking lot of a defunct Blockbuster that now houses Cloud 9 Wellness, a dispensary so deep in the financial toilet that the assistant manager is now also the top content creator on their new branded OnlyFans account.
Yes. That’s real.
Yes. I paid the $6.99 subscription to investigate.
No. I can’t unsee what I saw.
“It's not porn, it’s promo.” — Actual quote from the GM, pants halfway on.
Cloud 9 launched its OnlyFans last month as a last-ditch loyalty strategy after their Weedmaps premium listing dried up and their “BOGO Thursdays” started losing money every time someone actually redeemed it.
Now, instead of begging people to sign up for their loyalty program at the register, they're begging them online — while dressed as sexy budtenders grinding 3.5g of trim into a heart-shaped ashtray.
“It’s just another funnel,” said Jess, the store’s shift lead, now operating under the online moniker @KushyKitten69, as she dabbed live on a velvet couch while pretending to read a COA aloud.
“You’d be shocked how many dudes will give us their email just to see my terp pearls bounce.”
Welcome to Retail Desperation: Premium Content Edition
This is what happens when:
You can’t afford Leafly anymore
Your flower sits at 19.7% THC and no one cares
Your rewards program app crashes more than your trimmers
You’ve already sold pre-rolls for $1 and hosted a “Spin the Wheel, Win a Blunt” event that resulted in two stabbings
Now, loyalty signups include the option to “unlock exclusive content,” which leads customers straight to a barely legal landing page filled with edible reviews that turn into butt shots at the 45-second mark.
“I was here for Runtz,” said a red-eyed customer who gave his name as AJ the Plug,
“but I signed up because they gave me a free pre-roll if I followed the manager’s feet page.”
The manager, by the way, is a 47-year-old man named Keith who now hosts “Boof and Bounce Thursdays,” featuring live oil rig hits and a different strain review performed shirtless.
He tells me it’s “good for brand awareness.”
Inside the Dispensary: Hell, But Branded
The shop itself is a dimly lit sauna of desperation. The walls are lined with faded Cookies posters, QR codes to nowhere, and bulk jars of “house flower” that smell like a car crash in a pine forest. The budtenders wear custom shirts that read “Ask Me About My OnlyFans,” and I watched one girl upsell an eighth while holding a selfie ring light and winking at her front camera.
“I made more last week doing edible mukbangs than I did in a month of hourly wage,” one budtender confessed while simultaneously rolling a blunt and lip-syncing into TikTok.
“This is what equity looks like, bitch.”
I asked the store’s owner if they were worried about brand safety.
He laughed, then showed me his latest TikTok ad: a POV shot of someone hitting a bong while “eating out a loyalty sign-up form.”
The Numbers (Because This Is Still Boofonomics)
Loyalty Program Growth: +260%
Actual Revenue Change: -13%
Customer Retention Rate: “Depends on how horny they are.”
Brand Respectability: Currently sitting just above “Meme Coin Dispensary” and just below “Trap Shack With a Yelp Page”
OF Earnings vs Weed Sales: $3,200 OF revenue last week vs $1,845 in actual cannabis transactions.
Let that marinate.
Final Puff
This is late-stage capitalism filtered through a dirty rig and monetized through sheer ass and algorithm.
Weed retail is dying, and it’s dying horny.
They’re not selling cannabis. They’re selling fantasy — and not the good kind. The kind where you pay $200 for a half ounce and a personalized thank-you video from a guy named Devin in a tank top who mispronounces "limonene."
Boof du Jour will continue covering retail’s collapse into sex work, side hustles, and sadness — live from the edge of what used to be a wellness movement. Stay high, stay skeptical, and maybe keep your pants on.
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