Illinois Hosts Inaugural Cannabis Transport Equity Games — Winner Gets Token License and $5 Gas Card
SPRINGFIELD, IL — In what’s being billed as a “celebration of inclusion, effort, and the illusion of progress,” the Illinois Department of Agriculture has launched its first-ever Cannabis Transport Equity Games, a high-stakes tournament where minority-owned businesses can compete for a single transport license and a $5 Casey’s gas card.
The event, designed to “promote equity in the most inconvenient way possible,” replaces the state’s prior license application process, which was deemed too transparent, fair, and logistically possible.
“We wanted something more performative,” said Equity Program Director Chad Whitmore, standing beneath a massive banner that read ‘Representation Matters… Sort Of.’ “We figured we’d stop pretending and just turn this into a Hunger Games-meets-LinkedIn networking mixer.”
The Events
Held in an abandoned Planet 13 shipping facility, the Equity Games feature a variety of trials, including:
Obstacle Course: Navigate conflicting social equity requirements while carrying 200 pounds of unsold pre-rolls.
Gas Budget Gauntlet: Drive across the entire state in a Ford Transit with $5 in fuel, one working brake light, and three expired insurance cards.
Pitchfork Pit: Defend your business plan from a panel of well-funded white-owned MSOs disguised as equity judges.
The Sponsor Scramble: See how many times you can say “uplift the community” before passing out from exhaustion or rage.
All applicants must wear matching tracksuits emblazoned with “Disadvantaged But Determined™”, sponsored by the Illinois State Fair and a vape brand with four pending lawsuits.
“It’s inspiring,” said state rep Fiona Morales. “We’ve taken an already flawed system and added lights, music, and just enough fake hope to qualify it as entertainment.”
The Prize
The winner of the games will receive:
A Non-Transferable Cannabis Transport License valid for one year or until someone from the governor’s frat gets interested in the sector.
A $5 Gas Card good for a single gallon of E85 and one microwave taquito.
A Certificate of Participation signed by the Lieutenant Governor’s intern, suitable for framing or kindling.
Second place receives the same certificate with “Almost” handwritten in Sharpie.
Third place is automatically enrolled in a “Legacy Operator Sensitivity Training” class hosted by a cannabis lobbyist who has never stepped foot in a dispensary.
Industry Reactions
Equity applicants statewide are calling the games “the most honest thing Illinois has ever done.”
“At least now we know we’re being set up to lose,” said competitor Darnell Brooks. “That’s actually more clarity than we got in the last application cycle.”
In response to backlash, the Department of Agriculture released a statement affirming their commitment to equity.
“We take these concerns seriously and plan to host more Equity Games quarterly,” it read. “Eventually, one of you will win. Probably. Maybe.”
Rumored Additions for the Next Games:
The Social Media Optics Challenge – Can you post a picture with an MSO without vomiting?
The Metric Hide-and-Seek – Find the one guy who knows how to fix your inventory tags.
The Cannabis Cup Endurance Round – Attend 27 meaningless panels in 24 hours without assaulting a moderator.
Final Note from BDJ: If you want to win in Illinois, you better be a multi-state operator in a dashiki, or someone’s cousin with a public LinkedIn post about “generational wealth.” Otherwise, enjoy the show.
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