Florida Quietly Grants Distribution License to LLC Owned by Governor’s Golf Buddy
TALLAHASSEE, FL — In a stunning but not-at-all-surprising demonstration of regulatory integrity, the Florida Office of Medical Marijuana Use (OMMU) has awarded a high-tier cannabis distribution license to Greener Fairways LLC, a newly minted company operated by Kip “9-Iron” Callahan, longtime golf partner to Governor Ron DeSantis and a man once disbarred for selling bootleg Rolexes out of a Dodge Ram.
“Kip’s a good dude. Let him sell weed.” — Governor’s Official Vetting Process
According to rushed and incomplete public documents, Greener Fairways LLC was incorporated a full 11 hours before license approval and lists its corporate headquarters as “the men’s locker room behind the 14th green at Sawgrass.”
The company has no dispensary infrastructure, no retail partnerships, no operational plan, and a domain name currently for sale on GoDaddy. Yet the OMMU hailed the application as a “shining example of Florida’s entrepreneurial spirit” and approved it during an emergency closed-door session of the Committee for Equitable Cannabis Access (CECA) — which, sources say, was convened via group text and catered by Chick-fil-A.
Florida Defines ‘Social Equity’ as ‘Golf Handicap Under 10’
CECA, the oversight board tasked with “ensuring fairness,” includes a used boat salesman, a failed city council candidate, and the Governor’s cousin Ron (who is not employed by the state but “shows up sometimes”). The board’s sole public statement praised Greener Fairways for “their commitment to community uplift,” citing an Instagram story of Kip handing out vape pens at a Fourth of July block party as sufficient proof of civic engagement.
Meanwhile, dozens of minority-owned businesses with years of experience, full operational infrastructure, and documented social equity qualifications were summarily denied for reasons that ranged from “submitted too early” to “font size was aggressive.”
24 Minority Applicants Disqualified for Not Owning Boat Shoes
One rejected applicant, who asked to remain anonymous to avoid retaliation, shared, “We were told our business plan was ‘too urban’ and that our security protocols weren’t as strong as Kip’s plan to use his cousin’s pit bull and a Nest camera.”
Legal appeals have begun stacking up, but each challenge is expected to cost over $700,000 in legal fees, payable directly to a rotating list of state-approved arbitrators — one of whom was last seen testifying in a separate corruption case involving charter school embezzlement.
Town Hall Held on Pontoon Boat; Only Attendee Was “Ron”
In an effort to address community concern, the state held a “virtual town hall” by live-streaming Kip doing donuts on a jet ski while reading select FAQ answers. Public comment was not permitted, but viewers were encouraged to text “420BUD” to receive a free Greener Fairways bumper sticker.
Governor DeSantis’s office issued a follow-up press release late Friday, calling the decision “a huge win for Florida’s working-class entrepreneurs,” before boarding a private jet to the Greenbrier Classic with Kip, two cannabis lobbyists, and a recently indicted former NRA spokesman.
Boof du Jour will continue covering this story until either justice is served or Kip accidentally hotboxes the state archive building, whichever comes first.
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