Missouri Approves License Transfer from One White Guy to Another in Record Time

Licenses remain legally transferred. Morals remain legally missing.

In a bold move that absolutely no one asked for but somehow everyone expected, BeLeaf Medical—the corporate cannabis equivalent of a decaf cold brew with a superiority complex—has officially acquired BesaMe Wellness and rebranded to Swade. Yes, Swade. A name that sounds like a cologne your divorced uncle wears to court.

The merger, announced this week with all the subtlety of a fart in an elevator, confirms BeLeaf’s transformation from “one of Missouri’s first vertically integrated license holders” to “one of Missouri’s first vertically integrated license holders, again.” With this acquisition, the company absorbs five new dispensary licenses, giving them even more retail outlets to aggressively soft-launch overpriced edibles while pretending to care about patient access.

“We are proud to further our mission of absolutely dominating a fragile and manipulated market under the guise of community health,” said a BeLeaf executive, polishing their SoulCycle water bottle.

Equity For Whom?

While the DHSS approved the license transfer with the speed of a coke-fueled Mizzou intern, small businesses across Missouri continue to suffocate under red tape, phantom inspections, and the chilling realization that the state’s idea of “equity” is letting rich white dudes trade licenses like Pokémon cards.

Regulators, for their part, remained proud of their transparency efforts.

“The application was thoroughly reviewed,” said a DHSS official, sipping from a mug that read ‘I Support Local Monopolies.’ “They filled in all the fields. That’s really all we ask.”

Social equity applicants still waiting to hear back from their 2021 submissions were encouraged to “pivot to merch” or “try THCa.”

Swade Into Nothingness

According to the press release, this acquisition marks a “bold new chapter” for BeLeaf’s existing dispensary brand, Swade. In practice, it’s more like duct-taping five new storefronts onto a sinking ship and hoping the playlist distracts customers long enough to forget who used to own the place.

The Swade website remains a masterclass in vague branding—moody dispensary photos, language like “elevated experiences,” and absolutely no mention of BesaMe, which was quietly taken behind the shed and replaced with some Edison bulbs and a wellness mural.

When asked about the impact of the expansion on pricing, a Swade representative replied:
“You know how it is. Inflation. Logistics. Plus, we just bought a lot of custom rolling trays and those things don’t pay for themselves.”

Another Day, Another License Transfer

If you’re keeping count at home, this marks the 938th time Missouri has let two suits switch licenses like dirty socks. What once was “medical access for patients” is now “how many retail stores can we install before the market cannibalizes itself.”

With BeLeaf’s newest acquisition, they’re now positioned to continue doing what they do best—dominating shelf space, crushing local competition, and giving the illusion of innovation while selling the same exact flower under a different name every quarter.

UPDATE:

In a gesture of transparency, the Missouri cannabis regulatory body has released a detailed timeline of how this license transfer was approved. Unfortunately, the file was accidentally deleted and replaced with a TikTok of a goat eating broccoli. Investigators have confirmed this was still more helpful than the original document.

Boof du Jour will continue to cover Missouri’s favorite regulatory pastime: legal Monopoly, rebranded as medicine.

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