New Regulation Requires All Cannabis Packaging to Be Approved by Children

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move hailed as “groundbreaking child-centric reform” by the Department of Cannabis & Consumer Confusion (DCCC), regulators have announced that all cannabis packaging must now be reviewed and approved by children under the age of ten — a bold pivot in the war on adult responsibility.

The policy, known as Child-Based Objectivity for Tactile Packaging Safety (C.B.O.T.P.S.), will go into effect July 1st and requires that every cannabis product undergo a panel review by three randomly selected elementary students, who will assess the packaging for “inappropriate fun-ness.”

“If a child wants to eat it, it’s clearly non-compliant.”

“We simply couldn’t trust trained professionals or toxicologists anymore,” said interim DCCC director Melissa Trillblazer, who previously served as a lobbyist for a juice pouch company currently under FTC investigation. “Kids are the only ones unbiased enough to know when something looks cool and therefore illegal.”

Packaging featuring bright colors, animals, fonts larger than 12pt, or general vibes will be automatically rejected. One brand’s attempt at minimalist black-and-white design was also denied for “looking like Oreos.”

Review Panels to Be Held at Random Daycares Across the Country

To ensure impartiality, the new system will rotate reviewers weekly through a federally contracted chain of for-profit daycares, each managed by an ex-pharma compliance officer with a background in asbestos lawsuits.

Companies seeking approval must now submit five physical samples, a notarized parental consent form, and $17,000 in nonrefundable “playtime assessment” fees. Appeals can be filed, but only after a mandatory 90-day waiting period and a certified letter from Santa Claus.

“We’re protecting the kids by letting them do the regulatory work,” said Trillblazer, “and also cutting our packaging review backlog by offloading it onto toddlers.”

Legal Costs for Failing a Child Review Now Top $600K

Companies that fail the child review will be referred to the Cannabis Appeal Panel for Harmful Overtones and Playfulness Enforcement (C.A.P.H.O.P.E.), which is made up of four retired narcotics officers and a kindergarten teacher who thinks the word “edible” is Satanic.

Multiple social equity brands have already reported being flagged for using packaging deemed “visually delightful,” with one denied for using “a sunset gradient that made Timmy feel joy.” Meanwhile, a multi-state operator with packaging shaped like a hollowed-out AK-47 was granted full approval after all three child reviewers said it “looked boring.”

Regulation Drafted During 11-Minute Zoom Call with Goldfish Snack Sponsor

Internal documents show the rule originated during a chaotic Zoom meeting in which no less than three commissioners had to mute themselves due to screaming children. The final draft was submitted by a junior staffer from a lobbying firm affiliated with the National Plastic Industry, who described the initiative as “a great way to increase both compliance and brand confusion.”

When asked how this rule aligns with existing federal laws about child labor, Trillblazer responded, “They're not employees — they’re focus groups.”

Boof du Jour will continue monitoring C.B.O.T.P.S. implementation as soon as we finish explaining to our editor why our pre-roll tins failed the “Lisa hates it” test.

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