Cannabis Brand “Proper” Launches Valentine’s Delivery Service to Ensure Everyone Inserts Their Suppository the “Proper” Way
Proper Cannabis’s lowest paid budtender arrives at his first “proper” delivery appointment. Photo credit: Allen Iverson
“Over the Top or Perfectly Proper?” Customers Are Split (Much Like Their Cheeks)
In an industry constantly pushing boundaries, cannabis brand Proper has taken Valentine’s Day marketing to uncharted territory with their new “Proper Placement” delivery service—ensuring every customer inserts their cannabis suppository correctly, whether they want the help or not.
The company, known for its upscale branding and self-serious attitude, announced the campaign with the tagline:
“Nothing says love like a well-placed suppository.”
How It Works
For any delivery order over $100, Proper will send one of their lowest-paid budtenders directly to your door, armed with a latex glove, a warm smile, and the type of eye contact that lingers just a little too long.
“We realized people weren’t using our suppositories the way we intended,” said Proper’s CEO, Chadwick Kensington III. “Some were just swallowing them. Others were, frankly, just shoving them in like a rolled-up receipt. That’s not Proper.”
“We wanted to elevate the experience. Give it the finesse it deserves.”
Mixed Reactions from Customers
Reactions to the service have been polarizing.
One customer, Dan from St. Louis, was shocked but impressed after unknowingly opting in:
“I thought they were just gonna drop off my order,” he said, still visibly shaken. “Next thing I know, a guy named Skyler is standing in my living room, snapping on a glove and asking me if I wanted to ‘start slow or just get it over with.’”
While some call the service “a gross overreach of personal boundaries,” others are calling it “surprisingly well-executed.”
“Honestly? Best customer service I’ve ever had,” said one satisfied client who wished to remain anonymous. “Dude was gentle, explained the whole process, even lit some sage to ‘set the vibe.’ I never knew a cannabis brand could care so much.”
Proper has already doubled down on its commitment to customer satisfaction, offering a special “Intimate Consultation” package for an extra $50, where a trained budtender will whisper affirmations in your ear while maintaining respectful but firm pressure.
Proper Stands By Their Innovation
Critics have called the campaign “a legal gray area” at best and “deeply unsettling” at worst, but Proper remains unfazed.
“Cannabis is about wellness,” Kensington III added. “And what’s more ‘proper’ than knowing it’s been placed with the precision of a seasoned professional?”
“Besides,” he continued, “the only thing worse than an unfulfilled Valentine’s Day is a misplaced suppository.”
While the long-term success of the Proper Placement service remains to be seen, one thing is certain—Valentine’s Day will never feel quite the same again.
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