Following the Missouri Administrative Hearing Commission’s decision to uphold the revocation of their license, Delta Extraction has reportedly pivoted to their next logical business venture: construction.

Leveraging their newly acquired construction license, Delta has allegedly embarked on a massive subterranean infrastructure project, allowing cannabis products to "bypass unnecessary regulatory barriers" (also known as laws).

LAS VEGAS – In a move that shocked absolutely no one who has ever attended, MJBizCon has officially rebranded to CocaineBizCon, acknowledging that more attendees spend their time in bathroom stalls than in breakout sessions about compliance.

WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what is perhaps the laziest approach to federal drug policy ever recorded, newly appointed DEA chief Terrance Cole is reportedly getting all of his drug-related information from his Alexa and Siri devices—ignoring actual science, data, and the fact that both of them keep telling him he’s wrong.

LOS ANGELES – Weedmaps has announced that it will be going private once again, marking an official end to its short-lived attempt at being a “respectable, compliant, publicly traded tech company.”

In a bold move to “clarify consumer expectations”, Missouri regulators have announced new rules requiring all cannabis-infused edibles to be shaped like animals or human body parts—no exceptions.

Under the revised law, any THC-infused gummy, chocolate, or hard candy must visibly resemble a creature or limb, allegedly to help differentiate them from non-infused products.

"From Moscow to Multistate Operators—The Russian Playbook Expands into Weed."

In a stunning yet somehow completely believable development, Vladimir Putin has officially taken over as Chairman of the Board at Curaleaf, solidifying Russia’s grip on the American cannabis market and proving once and for all that no industry is safe from geopolitical fuckery.

The move comes after years of speculation about Curaleaf’s Russian ties, which executives always dismissed as conspiracy theories—right up until they hired an actual KGB agent to run the boardroom.

"You got $20 and a half-smoked pre-roll? You might be the new owner of High Times."

The High Times intellectual property is officially up for sale in a court-ordered receivership, and the starting bids are, well... negotiable.

According to insiders, the iconic cannabis brand—once the Rolling Stone of stoner culture—could soon belong to literally anyone with an internet connection, a mild tolerance for legal paperwork, and something of value to barter.

With yet another Kia being driven straight through a dispensary window in Washington, one cannabis company has finally decided to embrace the chaos and capitalize on the trend.

In a move that has legal experts sweating and rival businesses questioning reality, Seattle-based dispensary chain Have a Heart has announced the launch of “Smash & Dash”—the world’s first high-speed, smash-and-grab-inspired cannabis delivery service, powered by the most efficient dispensary robbers in the game: The Kia Boys.

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a shocking yet completely predictable turn of events, former MedMen CEO Adam Bierman has announced his latest venture: ‘Weed Empire: The Game Show’, a high-stakes reality competition where social equity applicants compete for the grand prize – a single dispensary license in California that Bierman does not, in fact, have any legal right to give away.

In a bold new branding move, Cookies has unveiled its latest premium offering—a $200 limited-edition hoodie that comes with an eighth of mids, a sense of deep regret, and a personal, autographed letter from Berner himself that simply says ‘F*ck You.’

For months, you couldn’t scroll through LinkedIn without seeing them: a never-ending flood of posts claiming that low-dose THC seltzers were the future of cannabis.

“Microdosing is the next big thing!”
“Low-dose THC drinks will replace alcohol by 2025!”
“The data shows consumers prefer 2.5mg over a joint—disrupting the industry as we know it!”

Every single one written in the same overly confident, thought-leader-y tone, usually accompanied by a smug headshot and 100 suspiciously identical comments hyping them up.

Something felt… off.

“Over the Top or Perfectly Proper?” Customers Are Split (Much Like Their Cheeks)

In an industry constantly pushing boundaries, cannabis brand Proper has taken Valentine’s Day marketing to uncharted territory with their new “Proper Placement” delivery service—ensuring every customer inserts their cannabis suppository correctly, whether they want the help or not.

The company, known for its upscale branding and self-serious attitude, announced the campaign with the tagline:
“Nothing says love like a well-placed suppository.”