Dark Horse or Trojan Horse? Out-of-State Cannabis Operator Caught Stuffing Kentucky Licensing Process Like a Piñata at a Redneck Quinceañera
It’s like Oklahoma if they were smart enough to take bribes…. Photo credit: Allen Iverson
FRANKFORT, KY – In what legal experts are calling "totally legal, but also, come on dude," out-of-state cannabis operator Dark Horse Cannabis has allegedly app-stacked Kentucky's medical marijuana licensing process so hard that even local moonshiners are calling bullshit.
Reports indicate Dark Horse submitted at least 104 applications under different business names, which, for context, means one guy applied more times than the entire town of Paducah has working toilets.
"This wasn’t a lottery, this was a goddamn sweepstakes," said local applicant James Paulk, who spent his life savings on what he now realizes was the equivalent of playing the Mega Millions but against a guy who bought half the tickets.How It Works
THE TROJAN HORSE STRATEGY: HOW TO BECOME A “LOCAL” WITHOUT EVEN VISITING
Dark Horse Cannabis, an Arkansas-based company that also operates in Missouri, has apparently perfected the "Trojan Horse Licensing Strategy", where instead of running an actual Kentucky business, they simply disguise themselves as 100 different Kentucky businesses.
"No locals applied, just 104 businesses that all happen to list their headquarters at the same Shell station off I-64," noted one investigator.
A closer look at some of the questionable entities that were awarded licenses reveals companies like:
"Bluegrass Dank Holdings, LLC" (registered in a Delaware UPS box)
"Lexington Cannabis Co-op" (owned by a guy from Phoenix who has never seen grass of any color)
"Kentucky Home Grown" (literally incorporated three days before the application deadline in a state that doesn’t even allow adult-use weed)
"If you name it something with ‘Kentucky’ in it, people just assume it’s local," said one Dark Horse insider. "We could’ve named one ‘Mitch McConnell’s Own Personal Grow Op’ and still got approved."
KENTUCKY OFFICIALS: “WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO, READ?”
Meanwhile, state officials insist the lottery system was fair, despite the fact that 75% of licenses went to out-of-state operators, and at least a dozen winners listed their mailing address as ‘Pending Further Notice.’
“We take all complaints seriously,” said one state spokesperson. “But we also take naps. We’re gonna have to find a balance here.”
The Kentucky Department of Cannabis Licensing (KDCL) has refused to comment on the allegations that the system was gamed, though an intern was spotted Googling ‘what is app stacking’ during a press conference.
“We are looking into it,” the department later clarified. “But in the meantime, let’s just all be happy that medical cannabis is finally here in Kentucky!”
When asked how it felt to be completely fucked over by corporate cannabis, one local farmer lit a cigarette, spit into a Red Bull can, and muttered,
WHAT’S NEXT?
While the state auditor is considering an investigation into the app-stacking scheme, insiders predict it will be resolved the same way most Kentucky scandals are: quietly and with a handshake at a horse race.
In the meantime, Dark Horse Cannabis is already expanding, reportedly buying up empty storage units in Missouri for their next trick: submitting 1,000 applications for a single microbusiness license.
Kentucky dispensaries will still have a local touch, though, since many are already planning to sell CBD labeled as “legal weed” at full price.
The Department of Health & Senior Services has assured Kentucky residents that the medical cannabis program is “on track.” (On track for what, they did not specify.)
"At the end of the day, we’re just happy to be in Kentucky," said a Dark Horse executive, completely unaware that Kentucky residents are now gathering pitchforks and forming a militia.
What do you think? Should out-of-state operators get to dominate Kentucky's cannabis market, or should we just hand the whole thing over to the Cornbread Mafia and call it a day? Sound off below.
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