Have a Heart Announces New “Smash & Dash” Delivery Service, Hires Kia Boys as Drivers
The “Kia Boys” picking up a customers product on a saturday night. Photo credit: Allen Iverson
With yet another Kia being driven straight through a dispensary window in Washington, one cannabis company has finally decided to embrace the chaos and capitalize on the trend.
In a move that has legal experts sweating and rival businesses questioning reality, Seattle-based dispensary chain Have a Heart has announced the launch of “Smash & Dash”—the world’s first high-speed, smash-and-grab-inspired cannabis delivery service, powered by the most efficient dispensary robbers in the game: The Kia Boys.
“Our competitors rely on slow, outdated methods to get products into consumers’ hands,” said company CEO Ryan Kunkel in a press release issued from what appears to be a moving vehicle.
“With Smash & Dash, we’re combining the raw efficiency of the Kia Boys with the undeniable need for faster weed delivery. No one gets from Point A to Point B faster than these guys. And as an added bonus, we’re also eliminating the middleman by just robbing our competition directly.”
Industry insiders are calling the move “brilliantly unhinged.”
HOW IT WORKS
According to a hastily written FAQ section on the company’s website, Smash & Dash operates using a three-step system:
A customer places an order via the app (which is somehow still on the App Store).
A driver—who may or may not be wearing a ski mask—retrieves the product “from a carefully selected source.”
The order is delivered within 15 minutes or less, assuming law enforcement doesn’t intervene.
“The beauty of this system is its unpredictability,” said Maguire, adjusting his sunglasses while standing in front of a car-shaped hole in a local Have a Heart storefront.
“Is your order coming from a licensed facility? Or is it coming from a dispensary we strategically acquired last night? That’s part of the thrill.”
THE DRIVERS: WASHINGTON’S FASTEST DELIVERY TEAM
Instead of hiring traditional delivery drivers, Smash & Dash recruited directly from the source, tapping into Seattle’s elite squad of professional dispensary robbers—the Kia Boys.
According to company recruiters, the job requirements are simple:
Must have prior experience in the “aggressive cannabis logistics sector.”
Must own (or have access to) a Kia or Hyundai that can be hotwired in under 30 seconds.
Must be comfortable with a completely flexible, police-dependent schedule.
Must be able to “leave a scene quickly and without hesitation.”
One driver, speaking anonymously from a still-running Kia Soul, said the gig has completely changed his outlook on work.
“Before, I was just stealing weed and selling it. Now I’m stealing weed and getting paid to deliver it. It’s about growth. It’s about opportunity.”
When asked if the job came with benefits, the driver laughed before peeling out of the parking lot.
RIVAL DISPENSARIES REACT: “THIS SEEMS ILLEGAL”
As expected, Washington dispensaries are not thrilled about this development.
“These guys aren’t just delivering weed, they’re actively robbing us at night to do it,” said a local dispensary owner, staring at a freshly shattered storefront window.
“They literally called it ‘reallocating inventory’ in a press release. How is that even legal?”
State officials are still scrambling to determine whether the business model violates any laws, since technically speaking, the company is delivering licensed cannabis—even if its procurement methods are extremely questionable.
“We’re reviewing the specifics,” said a visibly exhausted state regulator. “But given that Washington still hasn’t figured out cannabis banking, I wouldn’t expect a resolution anytime soon.”
WHAT’S NEXT?
As Smash & Dash continues to disrupt the industry with its unique approach to logistics and ethics, insiders predict that other companies will follow suit.
Predicted new services include:
“Blunt Force Express” – Using battering rams instead of actual business permits.
“420 U-Haul” – Dispensary break-ins, but now available as a rentable service.
“B.O.G.O. (Break One, Get One)” – If you rob a dispensary and bring your own getaway driver, you get a second location free.
For now, Washington dispensary owners are left with a simple choice:
Accept the reality of Smash & Dash and start fortifying storefronts.
Or finally invest in “Reverse Smash” insurance coverage.
Either way, one thing is certain—nobody’s getting weed faster than these guys.
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