Missouri’s New Edible Regulations Mandate All THC Gummies Be Shaped Like Animals or Body Parts
These little baby gummies are pretty cute tho... Photo credit: Allen Iverson
In a bold move to “clarify consumer expectations”, Missouri regulators have announced new rules requiring all cannabis-infused edibles to be shaped like animals or human body parts—no exceptions.
Under the revised law, any THC-infused gummy, chocolate, or hard candy must visibly resemble a creature or limb, allegedly to help differentiate them from non-infused products.
“After careful review, we determined that the best way to ensure consumer safety was to require that all cannabis gummies be shaped like bears, sharks, or possibly human toes,” said state compliance officer Linda McGoverly, adjusting her Live, Laugh, Legislate coffee mug.
“It’s simple: If it doesn’t look like an endangered species or a dismembered body part, it’s not compliant.”
THE "LOGICAL" RATIONALE
The updated regulation stems from Missouri’s ongoing mission to pretend to regulate cannabis in the most ridiculous way possible while completely ignoring actual issues.
“Originally, we didn’t allow cannabis products to resemble anything attractive to children,” said McGoverly. “But then we thought, what’s more unappealing than a severed finger or a dolphin-shaped chew?”
According to the Missouri Department of Health & Senior Services (DHSS), this new mandate solves multiple pressing concerns in the cannabis industry, such as:
Prevents confusion – “Adults often forget what’s weed and what isn’t. But nobody’s accidentally eating a THC gummy shaped like an octopus tentacle.”
Improves tracking – “If a budtender can’t tell if a product is infused, they can just check if it looks like a foot.”
Encourages responsibility – “Weed isn’t just about getting high—it’s about eating a 10mg grizzly bear while contemplating state-mandated absurdity.”Mixed Reactions from Customers
Reactions to the service have been polarizing.
One customer, Dan from St. Louis, was shocked but impressed after unknowingly opting in:
“I thought they were just gonna drop off my order,” he said, still visibly shaken. “Next thing I know, a guy named Skyler is standing in my living room, snapping on a glove and asking me if I wanted to ‘start slow or just get it over with.’”
While some call the service “a gross overreach of personal boundaries,” others are calling it “surprisingly well-executed.”
“Honestly? Best customer service I’ve ever had,” said one satisfied client who wished to remain anonymous. “Dude was gentle, explained the whole process, even lit some sage to ‘set the vibe.’ I never knew a cannabis brand could care so much.”
Proper has already doubled down on its commitment to customer satisfaction, offering a special “Intimate Consultation” package for an extra $50, where a trained budtender will whisper affirmations in your ear while maintaining respectful but firm pressure.
THE INDUSTRY REACTS: “WHAT THE ACTUAL FK?”**
Missouri cannabis companies were completely blindsided by the ruling, scrambling to meet the bizarre new requirements before enforcement begins next quarter.
Local edibles manufacturer Dank Delights released an urgent statement this morning:
"We have already spent over $250,000 designing and manufacturing our gummy molds to be simple geometric shapes. We now have just 90 days to transition to producing 'THC-Infused Wildlife & Limbs' or face fines."
Despite the backlash, regulators remain firm in their commitment to shaping the future of Missouri cannabis—literally.
“If you want a legal THC gummy in Missouri, it better look like a horse, a starfish, or at least a well-defined femur,” said DHSS spokesperson Roger Clemons, unironically chewing on a regulation-compliant rhinoceros-shaped sample.
WHAT SHAPES ARE APPROVED?
According to the official DHSS compliance guide, the following THC-infused gummy shapes will be permitted under Missouri’s new regulations:
✔️ Alligators
✔️ Pterodactyls
✔️ Koalas (but only in a neutral pose)
✔️ Toes (any digit)
✔️ Shark Fins
✔️ Torsos (no heads allowed—too appealing)
However, the following shapes are now strictly forbidden:
Circles – “Too boring.”
Squares – “Consumers will mistake these for regular food.”
Stars – “Too fun.”
Clouds – “Might encourage ‘sky-high’ branding.”
Industry insiders are already questioning the logic, pointing out that forcing all edibles to be shaped like creepy limbs and random zoo animals will probably confuse consumers more, not less.
“I thought the goal was to make edibles less appealing, but now they’re forcing me to eat a THC-infused baboon foot?” said one confused dispensary shopper. “What the hell is going on?”
CONSUMERS REACT: “I GUESS I’LL JUST BUY FROM MY PLUG?”
Despite Missouri’s attempt to regulate edible shapes, early reports suggest that most consumers do not give a single fuck and will just buy black-market gummies instead.
“Well, I wasn’t really planning to go back to my guy Rico,” said longtime medical cannabis patient Megan Stovall, holding a bag of “50mg Death Star” black-market edibles she got for $20.
“But if my only legal option is paying $40 for a state-approved gummy shaped like an ostrich egg, I think I’ll pass.”
Meanwhile, Rico was not available for comment, but sources confirm that he has already secured an entire supply of “illegal squares,” which will definitely be fine because Missouri can’t regulate shit anyway.
WHAT COMES NEXT?
With Missouri cannabis regulations now fully detached from reality, insiders predict more nonsense is on the horizon.
Future Predictions Include:
Mandatory THC-Infused Beef Jerky (because it’s “manly”)
All flower must be dyed neon colors to prevent confusion with oregano
Dabs can only be sold in “unappealing” flavors like “Wet Cardboard” and “Expired Soy Sauce”
Edible brownies must be shaped like actual full-sized kitchen ovens to ensure compliance
For now, the industry can only brace itself for the inevitable chaos of adapting to Missouri’s latest fever dream of a regulation.
And as for the consumers? Well… they’ll either be buying THC gummies shaped like an elk hoof—or calling Rico.
Stay vigilant, stay skeptical, and remember:
Missouri cannabis regulations make absolutely no sense.
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