Vladimir Putin Named Chairman of the Board at Curaleaf in Shocking Industry Takeover
That’s a fucking dickhead if I have ever seen one. Photo credit: Allen Iverson
"From Moscow to Multistate Operators—The Russian Playbook Expands into Weed."
In a stunning yet somehow completely believable development, Vladimir Putin has officially taken over as Chairman of the Board at Curaleaf, solidifying Russia’s grip on the American cannabis market and proving once and for all that no industry is safe from geopolitical fuckery.
The move comes after years of speculation about Curaleaf’s Russian ties, which executives always dismissed as conspiracy theories—right up until they hired an actual KGB agent to run the boardroom.
“This is a tremendous moment for cannabis,” Putin said in a statement released through Russian state media, “and also a tremendous moment for my personal economic interests.”
What This Means for Curaleaf (And the Free World)
With Putin now steering the largest multi-state operator in the U.S., the company is expected to undergo a full-scale corporate restructuring, focusing on:
Rebranding all flower as “Motherland Kush”
Now with 30% more surveillance per gram!
A New “Oligarchs Only” Loyalty Program
Every purchase enters you into a raffle to own a controlling stake in a formerly sovereign nation.
Immediate Rollback of Workplace Rights
Budtenders will now be referred to as “Comrades of Retail” and must swear allegiance to the board.
All Dispensary Security Cameras Now Directly Linked to the Kremlin
Ensuring full transparency, as long as transparency means Putin has all your data.
Investor Reaction: “Wait, They’re Not Even Hiding It Now?”
Despite years of Curaleaf executives downplaying Russian connections, the industry is now reeling from the realization that, yes, they were actually serious about world domination.
One financial analyst commented:
“I mean, we joked about it for years, but Jesus Christ. They really went for it.”
A competitor dispensary owner added:
“So do we all have to start accepting rubles now? I just got used to crypto.”
Meanwhile, American regulators are scrambling to determine whether a foreign dictator running a U.S. cannabis company is technically legal or just the most absurd thing to happen since MedMen tried to sell NFTs.
What’s Next for Curaleaf?
If Putin’s takeover is any indication, Curaleaf is expected to roll out several new “Russia-first” business initiatives, including:
Curaleaf’s First Cultivation Facility in Siberia
The perfect climate for growing frozen mids at scale.
State-Mandated “Putin Packs”
A new pre-roll line featuring his face on every package.
All sales proceeds go toward funding international destabilization efforts.
Executive Leadership Purge
All former board members have mysteriously resigned or disappeared under unclear circumstances.
New Policy: “You Criticize, You Disappear”
Dispensary employees who complain about wages will be sent to re-education centers located in the back of strip mall storefronts.
Can The U.S. Government Stop This?
Federal regulators are now debating whether Curaleaf should be classified as a “hostile foreign entity”—or just another cannabis company that got in too deep and sold its soul to the highest bidder.
At press time, Curaleaf’s official Twitter account had been replaced with a direct feed from Russian state media, and dispensaries across the country had begun displaying mandatory framed photos of their new Chairman in every break room.
One employee, speaking anonymously, confirmed reports that Curaleaf dispensaries now require customers to “salute the Supreme Leader” before purchasing flower.
“I don’t even know what’s real anymore,” he said. “But if I don’t meet my sales quota, I’m apparently being deployed to Ukraine.”
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