Weedmaps Goes Private Again to “Reconnect With Its Roots” – AKA, Helping Illegal Dispensaries Thrive
This guy is about to charge your dispensary more money than you pay for labor. Photo credit: Allen Iverson
“We made the most money when we were listing trap shops… so we’re just gonna run that back,” says new CEO
LOS ANGELES – Weedmaps has announced that it will be going private once again, marking an official end to its short-lived attempt at being a “respectable, compliant, publicly traded tech company.”
Insiders say the real reason behind the shift?
Public companies have to follow the law.
Following the law is bad for business.
Illegal dispensaries in LA and NY don’t care about tax write-offs, they just want customers.
According to a leaked internal memo, the company is “returning to its roots” by once again openly listing illegal dispensaries and delivery services, just like it did back in the "good old days" when it was actually profitable.
“We tried playing by the rules,” admitted Weedmaps' new CEO, Chad Smokeson, adjusting his limited-edition Cookies varsity jacket during a shareholder Zoom call. “But after careful analysis, we realized that our most lucrative clients have always been the ones operating out of abandoned Quiznos locations and dudes running delivery out of Toyota Corollas—not the overpriced legal dispensaries drowning in state taxes.”Mixed Reactions from Customers
The Fall of Weedmaps’ Public Era: A Compliance Disaster
When Weedmaps went public in 2021, they tried really hard to act legitimate:
Removed unlicensed shops from their platform (for like… a few months).
Claimed they were all about “compliance” and “helping legal operators thrive.”
Introduced weird new advertising tools that no one actually used.
Unfortunately for them, this strategy didn’t work at all.
“The second they stopped promoting 'The Real Greenhouse 24/7 Gas Packs' in South LA, their revenue tanked,” said industry analyst Marcus Rollins. “Turns out legal dispensaries are too broke to spend money on premium listings. Meanwhile, trap shops have unlimited budgets because they don’t pay taxes.”
LA & NY Illegal Shops Rejoice: “Weedmaps is Back, Baby!”
With New York flooded with unlicensed dispensaries and LA basically running an entire shadow economy, Weedmaps’ return to form has already been met with celebration.
“Finally, we can get our real store name back,” said Derek “Dimebag” Johnson, owner of "Best Buds LA" (previously forced to list as "B.B. Wellness").
“Google and Instagram keep shutting down our pages, but Weedmaps? They got our back.” said NYC delivery operator Jay from 2Fast2Furious Kush Express.
“Weedmaps was the backbone of the industry before all this legal nonsense. Glad to see them stop pretending to be a tech company and get back to the streets,” commented @CertifiedTrapper710 on Reddit.
Wall Street is Confused but Somehow Still Buying In
In a shocking twist, investors seem fully on board with Weedmaps’ return to the dark side.
Weedmaps stock ($MAPS) jumped 400% overnight, with traders calling it the "Tesla of the underground market."
One investor noted: "They’re basically Uber, but for getting bud in under 15 minutes. And Uber doesn’t even turn a profit. This is a win-win.”
Former investors who bailed out during the compliance phase are reportedly furious, with one yelling, “Why the f**k didn’t I hold??” in a CNBC interview.
What’s Next for Weedmaps?
With zero SEC oversight after going private, sources say Weedmaps is already working on new features to supercharge the illicit market:
“Trap Verified” Badges – A new certification that guarantees “this shop has never once paid a dollar in excise tax.”
Pay-to-Pin Service – A premium option where shops can move their pin directly on top of a licensed dispensary to steal foot traffic.
Push Notifications for Unmarked Cars – Allows delivery drivers to alert customers when they’re “outside your crib” with preloaded responses like "Here" and "Yo come outside."
A Crypto-Only Payment System – Since banks still refuse to work with cannabis businesses, Weedmaps is rumored to be launching "TrapCoin", a new payment method that’s only usable for weed transactions and has absolutely no tax implications.
Final Thoughts: Should We Even Be Surprised?
Let’s be real—Weedmaps has always been the king of the underground. Their short stint as a "serious public company" was nothing more than a phase.
“They tried to be Amazon, but they’re really just Silk Road with a better UI,” said cannabis historian Tyler Kushman. “And honestly? That’s what makes them great.”
Now that they’re back in the trenches, one thing is clear—if you need a plug in LA or NY, Weedmaps will make sure you never have to scroll past a legal dispensary again.
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