MJBizCon Announces Complete Rebrand to CocaineBizCon After Finally Accepting Who Their Audience Is
Some Chad that just took 25 million from an investor and doesn’t even know what products he is going to “create” yet. Photo credit: Allen Iverson
"Look, we all know who actually goes to this thing," says event organizer while rubbing his nose aggressively
LAS VEGAS – In a move that shocked absolutely no one who has ever attended, MJBizCon has officially rebranded to CocaineBizCon, acknowledging that more attendees spend their time in bathroom stalls than in breakout sessions about compliance.
“We did the data analysis,” said conference director Chadwick "Chad" Thompson, wearing indoor sunglasses and a Balenciaga tracksuit, “and it turns out that **only 12% of attendees actually work in cannabis, while 88% are just finance bros looking to ‘network’ over suspiciously frequent ‘bathroom breaks.’”
Instead of pretending this is a weed industry event, organizers decided to lean into reality and make 2025’s show the first-ever expo fully dedicated to the business of blow.
“Honestly, the pivot was easy,” Thompson continued, sniffling aggressively. “We just **swapped out ‘cannabis’ for ‘cocaine’ in all the signage, upped the ticket prices, and made sure all the panelists can say ‘supply chain logistics’ without laughing.”
New & Improved CocaineBizCon Expo Floor
This year’s CocaineBizCon floor plan is stacked with high-energy booth activations and cutting-edge product showcases:
Colombian Pavilion – Why waste time with distributors? Meet the real plug and negotiate wholesale prices in person.
Crypto Cocaine Payment Solutions – Now accepting Bitcoin, Ethereum, and NFTs of Scarface movie scenes.
Nose Care & Recovery Lounge – Sponsored by Flonase. Featuring oxygen bars, saline rinse stations, and a panel on “How to Keep Your Septum Intact.”
Lab Testing Kiosks – For attendees who "only do the purest s*" but have no idea what’s actually in their bag.*
Pre-Workout & Gym Bro Activation Zone – Featuring dry scooped creatine samples, primal screaming tutorials, and a Joe Rogan hologram.
VIP Bathroom Suites – Tired of standing in a stall with four dudes in skinny jeans? Upgrade to an executive sniffing suite, complete with leather couches and complimentary mirror wipes.
Can’t-Miss Conference Panels & Speaker Lineup
CocaineBizCon isn’t just about the products—it’s about the knowledge. This year’s speakers include the biggest names in high-functioning addiction and disruptive business models.
"I Don’t Even Like It, I Just Like The Smell" – A deep dive into how 80% of attendees say this exact sentence every night.
"Microdosing Cocaine: Can You Actually Do It, or Are You Just a Liar?" – Hosted by Elon Musk’s personal life coach.
"How to Pretend You’re Paying Attention During a Business Meeting While Actively Hallucinating Your Own Greatness" – With six-time startup failure-turned-motivational speaker, Ryan “The Rhino” Bradshaw.
"Raising $100M in Funding Without a Business Plan or Any Clear Revenue Model" – Sponsored by the entire New York cannabis industry.
"How to Convince Yourself That Cocaine is Actually Making You More Productive" – A fireside chat with a Miami nightclub owner and an investment banker who hasn’t slept since 2019.Cole's Master Plan: Ignore Science, Double Down on 1980s Drug War Rhetoric
Exclusive CocaineBizCon Afterparties: Because Who Actually Sleeps in Vegas?
The conference doesn’t end when the expo floor closes—it’s just getting started. Here’s where the real deals are going down:
"Eyes Wide Shut: The Exclusive Investor Masquerade" – Dress code: expensive but tacky. Featuring billionaire venture capitalists pretending they understand cannabis licenses.
"Lambo-Only Parking Lot Party" – Sponsored by dudes who say “I got in early on crypto” but are actually flat broke.
"Rails & Retail Strategies" – A VIP rooftop experience where brands compete to see who can pitch a dispensary expansion plan the fastest while visibly sweating.
Closing Party: "The Last Bump" ft. Special Guest Pitbull – Because of course Pitbull will be there.Perks of Donating to the GoFundMe:
Final Thoughts: Is CocaineBizCon the Future?
With weed prices dropping, dispensary chains failing, and investors looking for the next big thing, it’s clear that CocaineBizCon is filling a crucial market gap.
Will it become the new standard for networking in the “alternative substances” industry? Will the NASDAQ recognize “BULK POWDER INC.” as a legitimate company?
One thing’s for sure—the energy at this year’s show will be absolutely electric.
Will you be attending CocaineBizCon 2025? Or are you still stuck in the “weed game” like a broke hippie? Let us know in the comments.
Boof du Jour is a satire website. All content, including articles, images, and social media posts, is intended for entertainment and comedic purposes only. Any resemblance to real people, events, or situations is purely coincidental.
No Legal or Factual Claims
The content on Boof du Jour is fictional and should not be interpreted as factual reporting, news, or legitimate advice. We are not responsible for any misinterpretation or misuse of our content.
Viewer Discretion Advised
Some material may include humor, parody, or satire that is not suitable for all audiences. If you find satire offensive, we kindly suggest navigating elsewhere.
Intellectual Property & Fair Use
All content on this site is protected under copyright law and may not be reproduced without permission. Any third-party names, trademarks, or references are used under fair use for satirical purposes and do not imply endorsement or affiliation.
Limitation of Liability
Boof du Jour, its owners, contributors, and affiliates assume no liability for any actions taken in response to our content. This site is strictly for entertainment, and no statements should be considered as professional, legal, or factual advice.
By using this website, you acknowledge and agree to this disclaimer. If you do not agree, please discontinue use of the site.
📩 For inquiries or complaints, contact: boofdujour@wedontgiveafuck.com