New DEA Chief Terrance Cole Gets Drug Policy Advice Exclusively From Alexa and Siri
Head of the Drug Enforcement Agency huddles with his Roomba to determine the lives of cannabis industry employees. Photo credit: Allen Iverson
"Marijuana is four times more dangerous now, and also, my Uber Eats order is taking too long," Cole yells at his smart speaker
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In what is perhaps the laziest approach to federal drug policy ever recorded, newly appointed DEA chief Terrance Cole is reportedly getting all of his drug-related information from his Alexa and Siri devices—ignoring actual science, data, and the fact that both of them keep telling him he’s wrong.
According to multiple sources, Cole—who has spent the last 30+ years in law enforcement but seemingly zero time actually researching cannabis—has been relying on Alexa and Siri to confirm his outdated views, often shutting them off mid-response when they challenge his beliefs.
“Alexa, is marijuana dangerous?” Cole reportedly asked one morning while pounding a Monster Energy drink and adjusting his American flag belt buckle.
“According to multiple scientific studies, cannabis has medicinal benefits and is less harmful than alcohol or tobacco,” Alexa responded.
“Shut the hell up, I knew you were liberal garbage!” Cole allegedly shouted before unplugging the device and switching to Siri.How It Works
The High-Tech Echo Chamber of DEA Policy
Since taking over the DEA, Cole has made several wild claims about cannabis, including:
“Weed is four times more dangerous now than it was 30 years ago!”
Reality Check: THC potency has increased, sure—but so has scientific understanding, regulation, and responsible use.
What’s actually four times worse? Cole’s grasp on basic research skills.
“Marijuana is linked to higher suicide rates among youth.”
Reality Check: Studies show that cannabis use does not cause suicide and is often used as a treatment for mental health conditions—but hey, why let facts get in the way?
Cole’s response when Alexa told him this? "Alexa, delete yourself."
“High-THC cannabis causes schizophrenia.”
Desperate for Validation, Cole Expands His Search
After both Alexa and Siri refused to back up his nonsense, sources say Cole has been bouncing between increasingly questionable sources in search of someone—anyone—to agree with him.
Tried Googling “why weed is bad” – But accidentally clicked on a pro-cannabis study and threw his phone across the room.
Asked his Roomba for drug policy advice – Roomba just spun in circles and then died under the couch.
Subscribed to a conspiracy podcast hosted by his uncle – The episode was titled "Weed, Wind Turbines, and Witches: The Real Threats to America."
Downloaded ChatGPT but kept calling it "that woke robot" – Reportedly got mad when it gave accurate information on cannabis and called OpenAI "a front for Big Stoner."
Cole's Master Plan: Ignore Science, Double Down on 1980s Drug War Rhetoric
After failing to find a single legitimate source to validate his outdated opinions, Cole has pivoted to a new approach:
Talking louder.
Repeating the phrase "back in my day."
Quoting Nancy Reagan even though she’s been dead for 20 years.
Proposing a return of D.A.R.E., the program that made more kids try drugs than avoid them.
“Look, I don’t need fancy science or facts or data,” Cole told reporters at a press conference where he refused to take questions but did hand out copies of an anti-weed pamphlet last printed in 1989.
“I trust my gut,” he said, patting his belly that has definitely only ever digested gas station barbecue and rage.
So What’s Next for Cole?
A formal proposal to reclassify marijuana as "Satan's Lettuce."
A new initiative where he personally sits outside dispensaries and scowls at customers.
Trying to get ChatGPT to agree with him, failing, and eventually yelling, "I bet Elon would let me say this!"
Blaming Gen Z for "ruining America with their jazz cabbage."
Meanwhile, actual cannabis researchers, doctors, and lawmakers continue to make progress—without him.
Alexa, play "Times Are Changing" by Bob Dylan.
Should we set up a GoFundMe to buy this man a basic cannabis education? Or is he too far gone? Let’s discuss in the comments.
Perks of Donating to the GoFundMe:
$5 Donation – We email him one (1) peer-reviewed cannabis study with a subject line that reads "Important! Not From Alexa!"
$10 Donation – We send a handwritten letter from a cannabis doctor politely explaining why he sounds like a moron.
$25 Donation – We send him a vape and a Jeeter pre-roll with instructions that say “Try this and tell us again how bad weed is.”
$50 Donation – We hire Siri to call him once a week and remind him that he’s wrong.
$100+ Donation – We put him in a room with real cannabis regulators and scientists for 24 hours until he finally admits he got all his weed knowledge from a D.A.R.E. poster and a 1993 episode of COPS.
Stretch Goal: $10,000? We fly him to Amsterdam, make him eat an edible, and see if he still thinks weed causes schizophrenia.
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